Tender. Breakable. Repairable.

Love. Such a  tender word. What even is love?? Longing to be with someone… You look at them and it sends a smile from ear to ear… You’d do anything for them… The person gives you butterflies... You feel THEIR sorrows, sadness, AND happiness… You feel like one person together…

Love is an amazing feeling. But it can hurt. It can hurt real badly. There is nothing more to say. You think that you have life at your fingertips and then it’s all gone in a split second. 

So here I am lying in bed. I have no motivation to go to class. Which is fine because I don’t really like my Tuesday/Thursday class anyways.

So yes, I am hurt. Most of my day yesterday was spent working my tear ducts. I believe they have been fully exercised now. I HATE crying so, so much. Mostly I dislike it when people see me cry. I feel weak and vulnerable.

So no I didn’t want to answer the phone when you called me three times in a row. Why?... 

1. I didn’t want you to know how much it really hurts. I was trying to be strong and do the right thing.

2. I couldn’t even talk on the phone. It was ridiculous really. 

When I finally answered after a pleading text to just talk, my heart sank to hear your voice. Oh how I’d missed it. Once you heard I was crying, you said you just wanted to hold me and make me feel better. I wanted you to hold me too. That gave me so much comfort, although you just made me cry even more. The floodgates opened. You called me babe and sweetheart. I love when you turn all tender and the walls fall down. You are no longer trying to be strong. You would do anything for me.  

This hurts. It hurts so bad. I just crushed my own heart. How could I do that…

So much has happened in my life the past three months that it could pretty much be made into a movie. I think it would do quite well against the critics. It’s filled with happiness, love, sorrow, despair and so much more.

I was talking to my Dadio today and he somehow helped turn all the numerous random thoughts that are swimming around in my mind into words of wisdom. After I spoke, I had to take it in. Take it to heart. These were the words: “It’s hard to not focus so much on the past because I can see it. I can reflect on it. The future is so unknown that it’s hard to hope for the best right now. So I just have to look at it as an adventure and live life to the fullest; not looking back.” After those words, I felt like a guru. A possible career for me?? Ok, maybe not.

Sometimes I tend to do this thing called repel the people that love me. Why? I don’t really know, but I do know that I follow the feelings that guide and direct me day to day. I trust those feelings. After the heart heals. . . There is still another who has shown me love and would do anything for me. So why am I holding back? . . . . 

I'm trying to dance in the rain even though it's pouring out. I can hear the thunder and see the lightning. 

Time to turn up the music. 

Can't Avoid Those days

Today is just one of those days . . .

I don't want to complain though. I want to be happy. What better way to be happy than to be thankful for what you have.

One: I am thankful for family. Family is one thing I take for granted too often. (This is only some of the fam)

Two: I am thankful for friends. I don't know what I would do without them. (this pic is meant to represent all my little friends :D )

Three: I am thankful for flowers. They brighten up my day no matter what. Sometime in the future when I have a house of my own, I want to pick it up and place it in a field of flowers, or have a flower shop of my own.

Four: I am thankful for happy people. Not the overly happy people, just happy. They remind me to stop being a grump.

Five: I am thankful for this nasty cold weather. It makes me grateful for summer!

Six: I am thankful for Mexico. Yep, I said Mexico. Why? Because I get to disappear for a week on a cruise to Mexico! I have always wanted to do something like this and now it is quickly approaching.

 

Ok, I feel a little better now.  :)

One Glimpse Changes All

What do I mean when I say "one glimpse changes all,"well I don't really know yet . . . I do, but I don't . .

I wake up each morning ready to take on another day, but I feel like I've been living it with my eyes closed tight.

I use to play this game when I was little where I would close my eyes and try to get from point A to point B. It was all fun and games until I would run into a wall or stub a toe. 

This is what I've been playing as of late. I walk around living a college life. My eyes are closed to what's around me. I go with the flow and enjoy things as they come. A door is shut tight with the "planning" Shay behind it. Planning out my life has always been something I've done since I was little. Now I am taking a break from that side of me.

Due to the fact that my vision has been impaired, 

I have recently hit a wall. 

Or have I?

This weekend I was able to open one of my eyes to get a small glimpse of the whole scheme of life.  The planning Shay is trying to break free but I need to keep her locked up for awhile longer so she doesn't over analyze the situation. (And yes, I referred to myself in third person. That just happened.)

Maybe this one glimpse can guide me to another adventure in life. Maybe that adventure won't last long. . Maybe it will last a lifetime . .

Whatever it may be, I am excited. I know this is a really vague post.. Some may know what I'm referring to, but those that are completely lost - hopefully it will make sense in the near future.

A Little Lesson

This last week has been somewhat of a crazy one.. It all started with having to get my car fixed yet again. The third time in a month. 

Despite car trouble, school, and work, there is one thing that I have learned to be extremely grateful for and that is the gift to breathe. It's something we do constantly without any thought. Our lungs intake the oxygen and we exhale the carbon dioxide. Oxygen is a main component that fuels our bodies.  Without it we wouldn't be able to produce the energy that keeps our muscles going. Please see image below. :D

This is a simplistic example of how oxygen is converted into energy for our body to use. 

Now that we have that covered, why would I be so grateful for the simple act of breathing?? Well...

On Friday I went home to be with my family. We were going to the state championship football game and then were heading up to Idaho Falls to see my sister. 

When I got home, my mother seemed to be missing but I didn't think too much of it. A few minutes later she finally walked through the door. She had swollen eyes and seemed distressed. I knew something was wrong. 

She looked at me and my siblings and told us that one of our cousins had passed away. It was a complete shock. My heart dropped and I felt sick. She was only 24 years old and was married. I wondered how her husband was handling the situation. I could see the love in my mothers eyes. I felt blest to be standing there with my family, all of us being well and alive. 

Then came Saturday night, I get a text from my dear friend Kelsey that said she and Brain had been in a car accident. I would have left work that instant if she hadn't added that they were fine but danger ranger (Brian's truck) had sadly been defeated. It felt like a little bit of an overload at that moment. I lost a cousin and could have lost a best friend within two days.

I'm grateful Kelsey and Brian made it through with only a few scratches and a couple headaches, but nothing more. An angel was on their shoulders. 


Something as simple as breathing is essential and a precious gift. Glad that my friends are still here with me and bless my cousin and her family that all will be well. 

Love them :)  (Jace looks a little uncomfortable haha!)

What Lies Ahead

Lately I've been contemplating what I want to do with my life. Do I really want to stay in the field of study where I currently am or do I want do a 360 and go in an opposite direction? If I stay where I am then I only have about a year and a half of school left. If I go into the other desired field, pharmacy, then I would be starting from point one. I wish someone could see my future and just tell me what to do. 


Sometimes I get caught up in the here and now. I forget that I am in school to get an education so I can have a profession. I enjoy learning but what am I learning to do? 


These last couple of years, I have grown as a person tremendously. I now know what I want to do in the future and that only desire is to help people in need. Yeah, yeah everyone says that, but that really is my dream. I love to see someone's face light up after a simple deed that took hardly any effort. 
Don't tell me you have never had one of those days where all you wanted was a hug. Something as simple as a hug would have made your day. So what would someone's face look like if that deed was even bigger? Say build a house for someone, give a family the best Christmas they have ever received, or even just slip money in an envelop and send it anonymously.
Is there a degree for that? Sadly, no.


Is college getting me to where I want to be?


When I was little, those commercials of "Adopt a Child Today" would always come on. Their living conditions were horrible. They didn't have descent shoes or food. Then there I was with a glass of milk and most likely chocolate chips, enjoying an air conditioned home. Is it fair? Probably not. If I was placed in an environment like, I don't know if I could handle it. Therefore, they are probably stronger people than I am. They can handle it. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be helped. They may be stronger, but I have the resources. 
Ever since those commercials, those little children always seem to be on my mind. I don't want to just donate money, I want to be there first hand. That is my ultimate desire. I want to help the little children who have nothing. Put a smile on their faces. 


How do I put myself in that situation so I can do all that? Well, that is where my career would come into play. Yes my current field would help me get there. I would be able to make something happen but is that enough? Pharmacy is a field that is so well rounded that no matter what I did, it would be beneficially. I could provide more than food and shelter. I could incorporate medical needs. No I wouldn't be a doctor, but something close enough to provide the aid needed.


Now do I really want to go to 6 more years of school?? HECK NO. I just need a giant sign that says "Shayla, you are suppose to..." and have it finish with a field of study. It feels like my profession could be make it or break it. Even though that isn't close to the truth, as time is crunching down on me to make my choice, I can feel the heat.


Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I just chose a career and know that it would help me with my future dream? Why do we go through difficult decisions in life? The answer is.... growth. You grow as a person. Still, I wish my life was mapped out. I'm a very basic girl and a map to happiness would be ideal. Take a left to meet a new lifelong friend, stop ahead to see a glimpse of your career, and tour the next city to meet the man of your dreams.
Where is the fun in all that though? You wouldn't be able to experience any of the lows in life to be able to enjoy the highs. The lows are what have made me who I am today. I've picked myself up and found what is truly important, not myself. Of course I want to be happy. Everyone does! and that is the key. Everyone wants to find joy in life, be lifted up on a bad day, have a friend who will catch them when they fall. So I've found that by being that person that catches someone else, I catch myself. When I put a smile on your face, I put a smile on my face. 


I still don't know where I will be in two years. I could still be in school working my little heart out to get a degree someday, or I could be settled and life could be moving at high speed. No matter what, someday I will see the light in those children's eyes. I will make someone's Christmas unforgettable. I hope to touch someone's heart. All that matters right now is.. As long as I have your hand, you will have mine. As long as I pick you up, you will drag me along with you. If you keep smiling, I will beam. That is all I have to remember. 


I know this is personal for only the second entry but it's just been on my mind.

Why in the World am I Doing This?

Oh blogging. There are a few things that weigh my evaluation of it...

1. I don't know how I feel about people reading this and not knowing who is reading it.

2. You can't judge unless you know the waters. So world, I am testing the waters. 

3. Blogging is an excellent way to let off some steam or to express yourself. I am avid believer that writing something down or telling someone what is on your mind is healthy. 

4. I will fully admit that I am a stubborn person. I know what I want and do not want. Anything that people say hardly ever, if not never, influences me. However, when all my little friends started blogging I felt like I was missing out on something in their lives. I know that probably sounds ridiculous because it's only a blog but when we are scattered, a blog keeps me updated with their lives and vice versa. 

I will also admit that little nudges had a tiny influence :)

5. This whole thing is kind of interesting and at the moment I can't seem to fall asleep.

Hopefully this all turns out on the positive side.

Blogging, bring. it. on.